Kardashians Vs. The Riddler Part XI: My Humph

To Kris Humphries Kardashian, Kim was the most beautiful and expensive thing he had acquired since he was drafted into the NBA.

Proposing to her wasn't an act of romance, but a stint for more popularity.

Being from Minnesota he wasn't used to the glitz and glamour.

But his father, William Humphries, pushed him into it, anyway.

Kris's mother Debra was a simple Midwestern mom, while father William was the male equivalent to momma Kardashian.

Any opportunity he got, William shoved his son into the spotlight.

It was fate that Kris had met Kim.

And to William, their family had just won the jackpot.

Little did he know, that marrying into the Kardashian clan, was like marrying into the mob.

William had arranged for Kris to propose to Kim while walking on a Malibu beach, just as the sun set.

The ring was a past, present, future diamond ring.

Fit for a queen.

And sure to melt America's hearts on the cover of US Weekly.

William tipped off a few dozen paparazzi to capture the moment.

And awaited the good news.

Hours later, he was contacted by a personal assistant.

The informed him that his son Kris was in fact engaged, and that from here on out, would be represented by Kris Kardashian.

The engagement ring was returned to the Humphries.

There was no word from Kris.

Days later, with no contact from their son, the Humphries were alerted of the happy couples union.

And like everyone in America, had to read about it by purchasing the latest People magazine.

Instead of a beach side proposal, there were rose pedals, and mini ponies.

And the measly past, present and future ring, was replaced with a twenty karat diamond.

Son Kris, had conformed to the Kardashian way.

And mother Kris, had put out a media hit on the Humphries to make sure they stayed out of their empire.

The Humphries hadn't seen their son since, their faux engagement.

And were presented with wedding invitations, that included extensive contracts.

The Kardashians, wanted everything to be perfect for their golden child's wedding.

Which meant, keeping the guests, under control.

The Humphries guest list was limited and carefully plotted.

In order to attend, the family had to sign their rights away.

And become puppets to the Kardashians will.

In the end the Humphries did as they were told.

Because neither wanted to feel the financial wrath that would plague their household if they refused.

So they sealed the letter with a kiss, and said good bye to Kris on his wedding day.

He too signed a contract, along with his pre-nup of a list of do's and dont's penned by queen Kris Kardashian Jenner.

Among these requests were the obvious.

1. Never cheat.  If you cheat, we will ruin you.

2. Keep up with appearances.  You only get three get out of jail free cards a year. Merry Christmas.

3. Act your ass off.  Even if you have nothing to say.

4. Never outshine Kim.

5. Wear a condom. If you don't, I will personally castrate you.  Kim will have children at 34.

6. Never air your dirty laundry in public without running it past me first.  That's what the camera's for.

7.  Welcome to the family.

So the happy couple left for a honeymoon, that husband Kris supposedly planned, but was realistically payed for by mother Kris.

Anytime they were intimate, Kris couldn't help but associate his name with his new mother in laws.

It was hard for him to make love to Kim's beautiful body, because he could only see Kris Jenner Kardasians face.

Upon their return to the states, Kim received the call that changed their life.

Kris Jenner Kardashians funeral was a two hour televised event.

And E! Entertainements highest rated episode ever.

The family mourned for days, hoping to make sense of the tragedy.

Since Kris was a new addition to the family, he was left on the outside, looking in.

He did his best to comfort Kim, and smother her with love.

But this only pushed her further away.

There was only one Kris in her life now, and it was obvious which one she loved more.

One year, and a tragic suicide later...

Kris had found ways to keep himself busy.

Married life was not what he expected.

And neither was life with Kim.

She was her mothers daughter, and had tried to control the empire.

In doing so, she sabotaged her relationship.

A desperate cry for attention, Kris publicly broke all of Kris's contracted rule, except number 5.

In fact, he hadn't touched Kim in almost a year.

Neither wanted anything to do with one another.

So he spent his free time visiting strip clubs and working out.

His career with the NBA was hanging by a thread, and he made sure to endorse any or all products to make a quick buck.

During Kourtney's institutional stints, he tried reaching out to his parents, but they were no where to be found.

Black listed.

It was Kris Jenner Kardashians, final kiss of death.

The family had fallen off the radar.

Officially separated, Kris found comfort in lithium laced protein shakes, or crushed up Vicotin.

He occasionally partied with Rob Kardashian at Lindsay Lohan's, knowing she had the best drugs.

Kris was living separate from Kim.

She occupied their Beverly Hills mansion, while he sublet a West Hollywood condo.

It didn't have much.

There was minimal furniture, an X-Box, Playstation 3 and Wii.

He had an extra bedroom that he filled with exercise equipment.

It was his off season, which meant finding as much work as possible.

Kris found, the more he had contractually, the faster his days went.

He had hated coming home to his near empty condo.

Most nights were spent getting high or drinking until he blacked out.

Until one particular night.

Kris had been out jogging to clear his head.

Nothing was particularly out of the ordinary, until he noticed his front door was unlocked.

A green bee crawled out of the key hole and on to his hand.

He flicked it to the ground, and stepped on it.

Green ooze dripped from under his sneaker.

He pushed the door open and entered.

A few more of the same bees buzzed near his head.

He entered the kitchen, and armed himself with a bottle of Raid.

Killing the green vermin, Kris crept through the apartment anticipating vandals.

His shoes squished as they stuck to the ground.

He realized it was honey.

More green bees lined the outside of his bedroom door.

Pissed, he sprayed the insects until they dropped dead.

Placing an ear to the door, he listened to a calming hum, from the other side.

Arming the Raid, he kicked the door in and dropped the can.

Inside were thousands of bees zipping through the air.

On his bed lied a half naked Kim.

Her skin was covered in honey and her lips were black.

Bee's covered her body as she lied sensually staring back at Kris.

Don't move, Kris warned Kim, reaching for the Raid.

But Kim remained calm and statuesque.

Kris began spraying, but Kim was not amused.

She rose gracefully and slinked toward Kris.

The bee's detached from her body as she approached him.

What's happened? Kris quelled.


But Kim, calmly ran her fingers across his cheek, leaning in for a kiss.


She clenched the hair on the back of his head while firmly embracing him.


Kris trembled, but Kim wanted more.


Honey dripped from their lips as bee's swarmed the couple.


His screams were muffled as bees shot in to his mouth, choking him.


Kim pulled away allowing her worker bees to finish the job.


Kris dropped dead, at her feet.


The bees began devouring his corpse.


Kim lied back on the bed allowing the bees to cover her body.


Who's next,  she thought, as a smile crossed her dead expressionless face.