That old familiar hook,
like honey dripping off its comb.
I try,
with a smile,
but good intuition can always spot my tells.
Toggling the line,
I tremble,
afraid to fly.
Let go,
let god.
Easier said than done.
That same god condemns,
detests,
and exiles my kind.
Why shalt thou conform?
Its followers only twist and exacerbate a prickly situation,
disguising it in shiny wrappings,
calling it a gift.
I'd rather bide my time,
with a heavy heart,
and conscious soul.
My soul has been in torment the last few years.
I've guarded my heart,
and lacked the energy to show real emotion.
Just like that,
I'm unblocked.
Years of self torment released,
as overwhelming tears of sorrow flood my eyes.
It happens once in a blue moon.
When it comes,
I feel all tension retreat,
and a childlike essence return.
I swear not to let my spirit harden again,
but just as quickly as I'm released,
I'm suffocated by the undertow.
Don't let self hate and fear take control.
Only you can break the cycle.
I tripped over some daisy's,
while looking for the poppy field.
My expectations have always gotten the best of me,
but these past few months have created a solar flare.
An internal dialogue,
an external diatribe.
Wiggling which way,
I stop to ask the milkman for directions.
He glares at me,
wood tip cigar dangling from his lip,
as he sticks out his hitch hiking thumb,
towards the way I already traveled.
There is no yellow brick road for this queen.
In it's place is a path of broken glass.
I'm just glad I wore my shoes today.
Shuffling through the chaos,
I manage to reach the garden.
I can feel those sinister trees,
writhing in anger,
gripping their apples,
ready for battle.
I close my eyes,
and walk in any direction my body takes me.
I let go of any fear,
doubt,
or anxiety,
and trust that I will end up,
exactly where I belong.
As I take my last step,
I exhale calmly,
and open my eyes.
I have arrived.
The silver city.
Not much paint,
nor glitter,
is left on the old town.
It's charm long lost,
but I am home.
Free from the dangers of myself.
Isolated by choice.
I have always struggled with insecurity.
It seems that sins from the past,
haunt my inner child,
preventing me from being fully formed.
My true self,
hides in the shadow,
of what others expect of me.
What is masculinity,
if not strength,
power,
and suppressed emotions?
I've only experienced a fully realized break down,
a hand full of times.
Once as a child...
I remember being pushed to the brink of insanity by my father.
I hid in the physical closet,
comforted by the dark,
and walls around me.
I screamed,
cried,
pulled at my hair,
while part of me died.
That innocence all of us hold on to was released.
During my teen years...
A close friend had completely stopped talking to me.
I didn't know how to process,
the massive weight,
strapped to my chest and heart.
I had my next break down in my first car.
A song came on the radio,
as I talked to a close friend.
Something came over me,
and I completely lost it.
My voice cracked,
and my body trembled,
as I lost part of my heart and soul.
Most recently...
Never in my life,
have I experienced a relationship,
so raw,
so cutting,
so deep,
as the one I have now.
While most relationships become stagnant,
mine has always spun on its head.
From the very beginning,
it was christened,
by the shots of a starting pistol.
We both have been sprinting,
without one thought,
to why we're running.
All of the misunderstandings,
lack of communication,
suppressed feelings,
false accusations,
insecurities,
and worst of all,
lies,
have torn us apart.
I think of those nights,
cold,
broken,
and alone.
Holding my face,
nails leaving impressions in my skin,
as I rock back and forth,
bruising my knees.
I NEVER want to go to that place again.
My sensitivity,
is my greatest ally,
and my biggest foe.
To balance the two,
feels next to impossible.
What I do know,
is that I'm tired of living my life,
for other people.
I'm ready to start living in the light.
To embrace my darkness.
Let go of the past,
give a middle finger to the future,
and count your blessings each day.
There is only one life.
Don't let it pass you by.
This house is up for debate.
Shall we ice skate around our issues,
or are you ready to face reality?
Reality is just what it states; real life.
I don't mean reality;
as in manufactured problems,
and glamorized situations.
It's the cold you feel in your bones,
on a snowy day.
The aches and pains,
as your body heats up,
and re-lubricates itself.
The scorch of a hot oven,
as you remove that fresh baked pie,
you end up dropping to the floor.
Instead of sweeping it up,
you pause and stare at the mess,
contemplating suicide.
The dogs rush to the scene of the crime,
gobble up the remnants of your hard work,
only to throw up the liquid hot center,
and devour it all over again.
These my friend,
are examples of reality.
Beauty and simplicity,
pin pricked,
and torn to shreds.
Heal my heart,
take my pain,
loosen my lips,
so it's not in vain.
Guard my soul,
love take flight,
for I wish to get through this night.
I've often wished,
hoped and prayed,
for joyous moments,
to come and stay.
Bless this day,
prayer hands tight,
so I can love,
with all my might.
My heart bleeds out
as I gasp for air.
I'm emotionally crippled,
and manipulated into staying still.
My soul cries out in agony.
Can't you see what you've done?
To live your life in a bubble,
to hit repeat day after day,
sends a signal to my antenna,
that this isn't right for me.
I can no longer deny my desire to live free.
I am me.
Free spirited,
soul tormented,
independently optimistic,
but most importantly love lorn.
There's a flickering flame,
that won't go out,
inside my belly.
Ticker tape,
breezes throughout my mind.
To end the cycle,
one must accept,
rinse,
repeat.
When will I be ready to dance with the devil,
and reclaim that soul I once called mine?
I don't condone,
nor condemn,
those that have biological children.
Me,
myself,
I am fortunate to never have any.
My brain is a complex organ.
From birth,
I was programed to over-analyze,
anticipate outcomes,
and fret the inevitable.
For those reasons,
I am thankful for my decision,
to end my line.
I repel any thought,
of another human being,
living with the same anxieties as I.
Mental health wears many masks.
The most responsible thing I will do with my life,
is end my genetic disposition.
Let tomorrow go,
because there's always yesterday left to haunt you.
My past,
my future,
is my doing.
Accept the inevitable,
and let go of that which you cannot control.
