To All A Good Night

Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas by Judy Garland play on the radio.

I'm shaking with a bed sheet wrapped around my upper torso, while Pa stacks lumber in the fireplace.

The cold from the chimney whistles down the brick and gets me shaking again.

Ma does her best to salvage whatever leftovers we have into a soup.

I know it's going to be terrible, but at least it will keep me from freezing.

Other households must be huddled around a Christmas tree, singing carols, or littering the floor with unwrapped gifts.  Cinnamon and gingerbread probably fill the air, as kids stuff their faces with sweets and parents drown themselves in alcohol.

This is not my reality.  A crackling fire and home made soup is as good as it gets.  And yet, something inside me tells me that I'm lucky.

All those other families lead superficial lives.  Their memories are destined to evaporate and recycle themselves over and over again.


Pa strikes a match and lights some old newspaper.The ink smudges onto his fingertips, matching the dark soot from his palms.

Ma's aromatic concoction hits my nose.

I can't help but cry, so I sink into the couch concealing my happiness.

Judy finishes off her lullaby:

Someday soon we all will be together
If the fates allow
Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now

Screaming Silently

"Dance with me" you say.

I deny your advances, but can't help imagine a perfect world where our dancing wouldn't attract negative stares.

It's a cruel world we live in, where two people who love each other are denied the right to feel comfortable in public.  Instead we're reduced to slow dancing in private with the shades drawn and the lights turned down low.

The low glow of a candle shows us how, as we imagine peace, love, and a world without judgment and shame.

You See Me

Young thing,
there's a look in your eye.

Your words penetrate me
for the first time in years.

Something about your demeanor,
teases my soul.

I want to stare all day long,
but I'm reduced to a few glimpses.

It must be the optimism you embody,
pulling me in like a tractor beam.

This cold soul,
has a heart beat again.

For this I'm eternally grateful.  

Sleep Walking Whle Driving

Much too sensitive for the chitter chatter,
pitter patter,
patriarchal bullshit.

Always too sad song
to be Don Juan
during the summer time.

Oversight seen,
during the calm and serene,
but mostly living life on the rocky.

Things are looking up,
if only I believed in luck.

Control is desired,
not required.

I return to my hole,
head hung low,
weathered and worn.

God save our souls. 

To Live And Die

Marbles in my mouth,
blood on the brain.

Razor in my arm,
all for the insane.

We ride,
to die.

I live,
to love.

Dark coast,
does it most.

Au revoir

The little men digging for diamonds,
are tick-tocking against my brain.

Over the last few weeks my body has trembled,
my wrists have bled,
and my voice has been thrown.

No more.

Today I shed the skin of those dark forces.

I leave behind the negative weight intent on crushing my spirit,
and dragging me down with him.

Au revoir, salaud.

Adieu, Adieu, To You And You And You

The snow is coming,
yet summer just ended.

My heart beats cold,
as the sun bids adieu.

Please don’t go.

My loneliness will certainly get the best of me.

Blocked

There’s an ice pick wedged in my heart, but I’m too afraid to remove it.

I’ve always been emotional, but lately it’s gotten the best of me.

I suppose one of these days I’m going to have to remove the blockage,

Until then I’ll keep it intact, slowly bleeding out.

I love you all.

Till we meet again in our next life.

XOXO

Ven Conmigo

There's a distant hum as I pass by the TV.

The screen is blank, yet I can feel the eyes of the nation watching.

They're listening.

Waiting.

Wanting more.

The dog insistently barks at the empty black box.

A grounded hum vibrates my inner ear.

I click the off  button on the remote and unplug the connections.

The hum grows louder, until I migraine.

My eyes seize and start to roll around in my head.

Its hypnotic trance, pulls me to my knees.

I am face level with the screen.

It flickers on.

Colorful patterns dance across its scrambled face..

The channel attempts to caress my face.

David Cronenberg has warned us before, but I can't resist the sirens call.

I press my face against the glass trying to follow my maiden.

Again and again, I knock my head against the glass, attempting to break into her world.

Each strike, I use more force.

Each blow, I lose more blood.

Over and over I try to escape, until my eyes gloss over and cut to black.

Fade out.

Fin.

 

Coolin' Down

Nimble fingers,
configure contraptions,
while crazy cats,
smoke cigarellos,
and drink homemade brew,
down by the river.

I was never one for small talk,
but they got me rollin'. 

Picture me in the lap of luxury,
dripping in opulence and filth.

Only the weak survive. 

Flittering Fancy

Little star,
do you know how bright you burn?

Soon you'll be ash
and all your troubles will be behind you.

Fly, don't flee.

Not everyone gets these wings.

Personality Crisis

Tiny little insects,
crowded in my brain,
pray for rain,
slow insane,
quicken the decay.

To be or not to be,
to have or not to hold,
to be told,
and withhold,
the betrothed,
is sold,
to a wickedly wuthering day.

I'm sick,
with this slick,
trickery.

Lovelorn,
and loss,
lessens Leviticus lies,
while shy,
spry,
and nimble lights try.

Guide me away from this entombed canal,
plagued with sick and diseased water.

I yearn to swim upstream,
through the slime and muck that weighs us down.

Whispering voices steady the boat.

Only I have the power to tip it completely.

Do I stand and deliver,
or stay and grieve?

Decisions, decisions.

Bubbles

I have been given the world and done nothing to repay it.

A fragile mind is a terrible thing to waste, if only I could surf my way to shore.

I see newness in the horizon, but my conscience weighs me down.

To know, is to love, is to hate, is to fear.

You Lost Me

Friendship.

It's a tricky devil.

Anonymity is a thing of the past.

Social media reveals all.

It used to be easier not holding resentments.

These days, everyone demands an answer:


You did what, with who?

Why didn't you call me?

The phone works both ways you know!

When you're young, relationships feel like they'll last a lifetime.

With age, comes ego.

Entitlement floods the brain as we peruse others affairs. 


Why didn't they call me, I only live a few minutes from there?

Worry weighs down the heart:

Is this because I don't have kids?

Do we have anything in common anymore?

Nothing is permanent.

Life isn't certain.

The only certainty is that no matter the conflict, differences, absences or loss, the best relationships pick up right where they left off.

Let's Go

The world is in a state of unrest.

Everywhere you look, we're inundated with fear, hate, anger and violence.

Technology rapes our brain with images and stories some might never have encountered in their lifetime. 

While we are blessed, we are definitely cursed.

If you need me, you can find me no place.

Sludgey

Post partum blues,
affect the hypnotic synchrony.

Take the wheel and steer if you're going to blame me.

I'm no longer responsible for your unhappiness.

We're past the point of no return.

If you plan on drowning your sorrows with a pint,
make sure I'm six feet under before you toast.

Self love will heal the hole in your heart.

Too bad it's sludge stained and closed for good. 

Heart of Steel

Sometimes, ones need for love is so great, that it blinds reality and hijacks your life.

Take Minnie Mack for example.

Since I've known her, all she wanted was love.

Not the simple type, but the grand, grit your teeth until you feel it in your fingers and toes kind.

We met when we were both impressionable youths, raised on the idea of grand romantic love.

There's nothing more dangerous when mixed with first love.

I believe that first loves are the hardest to forget, because no matter who you end up with, or where you are in life, we are forever plagued with a case of the "what ifs."

Like most youngsters, my first love was a travesty.  A devastating, yet necessary lesson in lovelorn life and loss.

To Minnie, it was a Telenovela style tragedy.

Overwhelmed with shame, fear and confusion, Minnie refused to let that love die.

While the rest of us threw away our potted plant, Minnie continued watering and protecting her shriveled love until it eventually broke into crunchy particles and became one with the dirt.

Months passed without a word as Minnie continued to mourn the loss of her monogamy. 

Her way of coping was to cut herself off from civilization, while the rest of us continued to party and progress.

Eventually Minnie crawled her way out from the grave, disguised as an emotionless hunter ready for other impressionable game.

She figured, the only way to avoid heartache was to be the heart breaker.

Since then, she's never really been the same.

There have been times when the illusion of happiness was there, but deep down I've recognized the pain.

The pain everyone of us go through, no matter if you're taken or single.

No one warns you that:

1. Nothing stays the same
2. Great love can exist, but it's never how you imagine it
3. You have to accept things for what they are
4. Love is heart ache, heart ache is love

We all go through our own journey, but my soul cries out to Minnie, hoping one day she'll find happiness and inner peace.

We Were Giants

Little Susie scared and blue,
visited the old lady who lives in a shoe.

Unbeknownst to her she cried,
wondering if she'll ever die.

Susie tried her hardest in a panic,
to make the little old lady less manic.

Hugs had always done the trick,
so Susie looked in the shoe and picked.

Squish went the little old lady, against her chest,
as her attempt to comfort failed at best.

She felt herself begin to weep,
until she realized that little old lady was finally at peace.

Rock Me

Dearly Beloved,

I'm stumbling through this artificial existence some call life.


My heart scorches those it comes in contact with,
but I can't help but smother them until they're ash.


I'm a gob of prickly nerves,
purportedly following the lead,
but eventually that leader will demand a head.

That era hastily approaches.

Until then,
I'll be under my rock.

Empty Brain, Full Glare

Mind the gaps,
as I part through the cracks of this brain.

Hollowed hearts,
help ease the suffering.

I can't seem to shake the many looks of disappointment.

Agent X has zeroed in on my insecurtiies,
and hit where it hurts the most.

The rattle of the chain between my thighs,
haunts my dreams.

My spine curves in a parculiar way
as nostrils flare.  

Release me sprits,
I'm ready to swim.

Tear Filled Thankful

Moderation, trust,and simplicity, make the detours easier to swallow.

So many times I neglect the little things.

On this harsh winter day I will absorb the suns orange glow.

The steam blowing off my tea will be inhaled.

That first bite of chocolate will be savored.

I will be mindful of others and thankful for my life.

Unfinished Business

Slick chiffon weaves its way around the body
as she falls deeper into the abyss.

Powder white hair caresses the rest of her pale complexion,
as she instinctively flings and flails. 

She is weightless, confused, and scared.

No one said it'd be like this.

Memories swirl before her,
like water down a drain.

Some too painful to relive,
but her eyes are fastened open
forced to face the past.  

Love,
pain,
beauty,
anger,
youth,
grief.


An emotional bukakke to the brain,
that lets her demons run rampant. 

No more running.

It's time to fight. 

You Is Love

My ignorance shows,
before words take flight.

I wish I wasn't priveledged enough to fight the good fight.

I'll never know what it means to be a black man,
I'll never feel the pains of being a trans man or woman. 

All I can do and say is live life authentically and put love, respect, and understanding before my own needs.

We live in a selfish environment.

It's getting much more closed off, cold, and grey.

It can be hard to remember the feel of a sunbeam bouncing off your skin when the darkness and cold engulfs you.

You don't always see a rainbow reflected after a storm.

Kindness is an attribute I'm keen on recovering.

Meditation, strength, and growth is what we all need.

To those I offended or forgot,
know that you're represented.

You are loved,
you are powerful,
you are you.

X Marks The Spot

There's a running dialogue in my head.

She's four years old and telling me to run, but I can't.

Something wicked this way comes,
yet my feet are planted firmly in the cement.

Once when I was about her age, I awoke to a disturbing sight:

A spirit,
a sprite,
a light,
moving in the night.

It terrified me to the point of paralysis.

I somehow managed to pull the covers over my head and close my eyes,
but day turned into night and it appeared once more.


Palms sweaty,
heart racing,
chest pounding,
feet twitching.

I stood and reached out, inching closer and closer, until I passed right through it.

No cold sensation, or heart wrenching terror,
just relief.

The night was restored. 

Years passed,
and memories faded,
until one consequential night the specter returned.




The little girl explained to me that the shadow appears to the young to ignite despair and fear.. 

These senses are like words in a book, spelling out the date of ones expiration.

A henchmen, of the doomed.  

No longer could I writhe and wiggle free.

Fate made its mark from history.

Gone were the days of my safety blanket.

The hourglass had spit out it's last grain of sand and X marked the spot. 

Annie Are You Okay?

It's been far too long,
and much too lonely
as the chilling winds of the Atlantic try to fuck up my face, body, and soul.

My heart has been crushed by all the negative energy in the world,
but I feel it begin to mend,
as I pull myself out from the pill bug position. 

Annie's lyrics travel to my gut,
"Dying is easy, it's living that scares me today,"
but I trudge on.

Through the cold,
through the sludge,
through the racist, fat shaming pitfalls,
I prevail.

A new mutation,
ready for its spring metamorphosis.