Just One Of Those Days

It's one of those days when the sun starts to set early and the cold settles in.

I drop the needle on the record that's been spinning over night and grasp an open bottle of wine that hasn't been finished yet.

I light a cigarette and sway alone near the lit Christmas tree.

I spot a ceramic bear ornament with a picture of me when I was a kid on it.

I'm not sure why but I start to cry and drink heavily.

I sober up once "Sweet Painted Lady" by Elton John comes on.

When I close my eyes, I'm transported to that night at the school dance, when Danny Flynn asked me to dance, but I nervously declined.

I see the youthful me, standing along the sidelines of the snowflake themed dance floor.

I'm staring directly at Jim Morris, a high school senior known for taking freshman girls virginity's.

Somehow he looks magical tonight.

I don't usually pay much attention to him, but as he whirls his date through the sea of serious dancers.

I wonder what my night would have been like if I had come here with him.

I see me in his arms, laughing and ignorantly going along with his rouse.

After the dance he would drive me into the woods and play a mix tape with plenty of classic pantie dropping hits.

Instead I stood lifelessly watching, like a sick goldfish in a polluted fish bowl.

The waves crashing against the rocks from the record bring me back to present day.

I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket.

I remove it and snap it in half.

The cat slinks into the room stretching its back and front legs.

I pick her up and throw her over my shoulder.

For a moment I pretend she's Jim, until the bitch digs her claws into my back.

I let her drop to the floor and collapse to the ground.

My head is positioned on the tree skirt.

"Roy Rogers" by Elton begins.

I look up at the twinkling lights and take a deep breath, before another drag.

I inhale so deep I feel like my lungs are on fire.

As I exhale I erupt into a coughing fit that makes me laugh.

I take the ornament with my picture off the tree and kick it over.

I drop the cigarette and begin tearing the tree apart.

Some of the glass ornaments cut up my hands, but I can't feel it.

I can't feel anything anymore.

I wonder why it wasn't me.

Why he had to go first, but that only pisses me off more.

I continue to destroy any and everything decorated in the room until I lose my balance and fall into the record player.

It begins to skip, and scratch.

I pull my knees into the chest and wipe the tears from my eyes, but somehow they never dry.

I'm Not A Boy

Most nights were always the same:

I heat up a Swanson microwavable chicken dinner in my closet of a studio apartment and watch Bridget Jones or Pretty in Pink in a pair of oversized sweat pants and a torn up sweatshirt.

I fiddle with the built in radiator in the wall, but the heat seeps out minimally.

I throw an afghan my grandma made me around my shoulders and push play.

Tonight was an exception.

I had faced my fears of stepping out of my comfort zone again and decided to meet up with one my co-workers at this grungy bar located in the corner of town for one of their mutual friends birthday parties.

I sit in my car trying to talk myself out of it, but finally decide to exit.

I pull a piece of paper out of my pocket to verify the address, but can't seem to find the bars entrance, just the faded neon sign reading "King and I."

Two guys limp toward me, shouting.

I hesitate and duck down a flight of stone steps.

In front of me is a door with tinted glass.

The men proceed to follow, so I duck inside.

It's the bar I was looking for.

Inside there's a red tint and loud New Wave playing.

It's rather sophisticated for being in such a shitty part of town.

The walls are decorated in cheap gold wall paper that's faded and peeling.

I step further into the bar, half expecting to see the men enter.

Behind me a hand takes hold of my left shoulder.

It's Brinn, my co-worker.

I anxiously spill some of her martini.

She tells me to "relax" and leads me to two large tables filled with hipsters.

She sits me next to a Siouxsie Sioux rip off and a guy with blonde hair and a mean gleam.

My chair gets caught on some guys jacket from the table next to ours.

He stares at me which produces a spout of apologies.

Siouxsie manages to fake a smile as Brinn introduces me, but blondie continues to look away.

A waiter asks our table if we want anything else.

Blondie slides a low ball glass toward him and holds two fingers up, gesturing to the glass.

Siouxsie lights up a cigarette and blows it in my direction.

I try and order, but the bartender is already gone.

Brinn has disappeared.

I roll the bottom button to my jacket between my fingers waiting for Siouxsie or blondie to say something to me, but they continue shouting over the music.

I consider leaving now, before I get in too deep.

The antique Asian décor catches my attention.

I follow it all around the bar and catch a glimpse of the other table, laughing, drinking and passing cigarettes back and forth.

I suddenly feel like I'm back home banished to the kids table during a holiday, while the grown ups drink and engage in adult conversations.

When I turn my attention back to my table, I notice Siouxsie and blondie staring at me.

"Well?" blondie snarks.

"I'm sorry?" I mutter.

"How do you know Drea?" He sputters.

"Who?"

A waitress interrupts us sliding blondies two drinks toward him. She drops a beer down in front of me and scurries away before I can interject.

Brinn reappears and pounces on my lap.

"Drink up!" She slurs as she laps up the rest of her drink.

"Oh, I'm driving" I start to say but instantly shut up the longer blondie glares at me.

"So how do you two know each other?" blondie asks her.

"Bleck, I promised Drea I wouldn't bitch about work tonight."

Blondie guzzles his drink.

"Why won't that asshole play my song?!"Siouxsie barks.

"You should probably fuck him" blondie sneers.

Brinn jumps to her feet. "I got this, what do you want? Wait, scratch that. I got it!" She slinks toward the DJ booth and mildly flirts with the lumberjack wearing headphones. She points in our direction. They both look directly at me before she kisses him and returns.

"What did you request?" I ask her.

"Like we care" Blondie replies polishing off his drink.

"Maybe you should have another drink!" Brinn shouts at him.

"Great idea" he says downing his second. He motions to Siouxsie.

They leave the table.

Brinn takes his seat.

"What's wrong with them?" I ask her.

"I think they're on valium" she tells me before getting in my face.

"So?" she asks.

"What?"

"Do you like him?" Brinn presses.

It all suddenly clicks.

"Is that why you invited me?" I ask her.

"Maybe. C'mon, he's cute" she expresses.

"He's okay looking" I start to spill.

"but would you fuck him?" she asks.

"Jesus, I don't know. Probably not" I tell her.

"Why not?" she asks.

"Well, for starters, he's a little pretentious" I tell her.

"but you've barely said one word" she says.

I spot blondie and Siouxsie exiting the bathroom together.

"Shhh, he's coming back" I say to her gesturing in their direction. Brinn looks at them and then at me erupting into laughter.

I wait for her to stop, but she nearly falls to the ground. She takes a sip from my beer and kisses me on the cheek.

"I wasn't setting you up with Tyler" Brinn explains. Her laughter dissipates as they return to the table.

"What's so fucking funny?" blondie asks.

"My boy Bobby thought I was trying to set you two up" she tells him.

I feel the blood rushing out of my face and avoid eye contact as he glares at me.

"And why is that so god damn funny?" he barks.

"Because I brought him here for Beaux" she tells him.

Boy by Book of Love plays.

"Yes!" Brinn yells as she pulls me to my feet. "Let's dance."

"I don't know this song" I tell her.

"Listen and learn baby, if you're gonna be gay, then you better play the part. Dance with me!" She screams leading me to an open area. 

Others from the next table over cheer us on as she starts to shimmy and shake.

I feel the eyes of the bar on my back as she shakes my arms. "C'mon Bobby! Dream as if you'll live forever."

A feeling of deja vu washes over me as Brinn shimmies and kicks her feet. 

I close my eyes.

I see that inexperienced boy, too scared to make the leap.

A girl with long dark hair wearing a pink light up happy birthday headband joins us. A cigarette dangles from her lips as she tries dancing with a drink in hand.

Brinn hugs her and whispers in her ear. 

They turn to me.

"Bobby, this is Drea, the birthday girl" Brinn yells.

"As if you couldn't tell" Drea mumbles, cigarette still in tact.

I hold out a hand for her to shake.

They both laugh at me.

 Drea takes hold and spins me.

"Let's not waste this song" she says handing Brinn her drink.

"Beaux!" Drea screams across the bar.

The guy who's coat I mangled, turns from the table. She wiggles her finger for him to come.

He follows her command, as she spins me once more.

"You look like you could use a drink" he says sarcastically to her.

"This is Bobby" she says pushing us together "now dance!"

I pull away.

"It's okay" I tell him.

He leans in so I can hear him better "Then you don't know Drea."

He takes my hand and dances along to the music.

I look back at Brinn wearing a shit eating grin and mouth to her "you owe me."

She shakes her head and mouths "no, you owe me."

As the song plays on more and more people join us.

The fear dissipates as we blend into the large crowd.

I'm no longer on the outside looking in.

I'm living in this moment.

Adieu

The wind blows
while we all know
what's a head and what we lose.

The jackets come out
the fires blown out
the cold over takes us.

While we prepare for the best
and accept the rest
the season says adieu.

Another one gone
a year more prolonged
as the sun sets upon its final hours.

You've been great
can't wait for the day
the sun finds our little town once again.

Duranne

Duranne,
                 It's days like today that reminds me why we are alive.
I started my morning with a brisk walk through the neighborhood with Arthur. He sniffed around while I watched the leave littered sidewalks blow a multitude of reds, oranges and yellows across my path.

More and more fell like a ticker tape parade.

Life's ultimate beauty.

Even in death.

I'd be lying if I didn't say I was scared, but honestly it's for the best.

Since I was a child I used to pray to God, or whoever was listening, to end my misery.

Even in my prime I was longing for an end.

I was a foolish child then, with little respect for the kindness and love one could receive.

I fear these negative thoughts are part of my slow demise.

The doctors and family keep urging me to seek treatment, but I don't want to prolong the inevitable.

I find it quite ironic that one doesn't truly feel until everything is taken away.

Yes, the days will soon be shorter, and these natural beauties will soon wither and die, but I am comforted in the notion that they will be reborn, and flourish more beautiful than before.

Until then, I can only appreciate what's in front of me, and try and keep my mind off the idea that we are human.

That each of us have a weakness.

And an unknown finality is ahead.

My biggest fear of all.

All The Best,

-Nan

True

In the back seat, I crack the cab window.

The wind blows, as I breathe in the cool air.

My eyes feel like they're spinning in my head.

I can barely focus as the lights from the downtown high rises rush past the vehicle.

Kaithan is laughing with Alex about something stupid but I'm too out of my head to focus on what.

He reaches over me and closes the window.

He asks me what the fuck I'm thinking and yells for the cabbie to turn the heat up.

The driver follows suit.

The heat feels like sun stroke.

I begin to cough uncontrollably.

Kaithan and Alex continue laughing as he hands me a water bottle.

I take a swig, but it burns.

He whispers that we're almost there.

I smell cigarettes and a hint of man on him.

The cab stops outside a dark nightclub in a run down part of town.

I can feel the thumping from the music even before we exit the car.

Kaithan reaches over me to open the passengers side door and climbs over me.

His black cut off jean vest brushes my face.

This sends a shiver down my back.

Alex exits her side of the car and meets up with Kaithan.

They both reach into the car and pull me to my feet.

I feel as if I'm on a rocking ship, but they prop me up to pass as sober.

At the door Alex removes her faux fur mini jacket and shakes her tits at the bouncer.

She slaps him across the face, followed by a lick along his thick side burn.

He grabs her ass and winks at Kaithan before letting us pass.

The club door swings open and deafens me instantly.

I look back at the bouncer who motions to me, but Kaithan puts his arm around my waist and leads me inside.

"What did I take?" I ask him, but he demonically grins and rushes to the bar.

Alex props me against the grungy wall so she can use the bathroom.

Inside, the club house music shakes the abstract art frames littered throughout the club.

Above the entrance is an upside down cross.

The paint throughout the building is chipped and spray painted over with various graffiti.

A majority of the bar patrons are leather punks.

Men on men.

Women on Women.

Zipper suits on Furries.

Latex on suicide girls.

A sexual utopia for the deranged and misplaced.

Even though the sites are somewhat terrifying and new, I'm not instantly turned off by their unity.

Everyone dances and grinds to the DJ, who spins vinyl records at a booth that sporadically ignites flames.

My knees nearly buckle as Kaithan returns.

Luckily the soles of my shoes stick to the club floor.

He hands me a beer and scans the crowd.

He yells something to me, but I can't make it out.

I spot Alex across the room inserting money into a glass box that houses a transgendered guy dancing underneath a running shower head.

"True" by Morel comes on.

Kaithan takes me by the hand and yells to Alex.

She rushes over and takes my other hand.

Suddenly we are on the dance floor.

The smell of body odor, sweat, and sex overtakes me.

All around us are bodies grinding and swaying to the beat.

My head falls backwards as Alex puts her arms around my neck.

There are skulls and bones glued to the ceiling of the dance floor.

Kaithan passes Alex the water bottle and dances behind me.

She guzzles it and hands it back.

He finishes it, throwing it across the dance floor and leans in to her.

They pin me between their bodies and kiss.

Something about their touch makes me weak.

They pull away and smile at me.

Kaithan spins me around to face him and pulls me closer.

He presses his body against me while Alex presses herself up against my spine.

Strobe lights and flashing lights blind me.

All I can do is go limp.

The drugs have left me defenseless.

The last thing I see is Kaithan placing a white pill with a red heart sketched across it on the end of his tongue.

He leans in, as if he were moving in slow motion and places it in my mouth.

His kiss blinds me as I swallow.

Everything else goes dark.