Sinking

It hurts more than you can ever imagine.

I hold my breath,
and start to lose consciousness.

No matter what I do,
I can't seem to exhale. 

It's time to let go,
but I'd rather pass out from loss of oxygen,
then deal with the situation at hand.

Trust,
love,
communication,
and honesty,
all gone.

Caught between victimization,
and martyerism. 

I am a shell of my former self,
deciding whether I should crawl out of this hole,
or sink into this bog and die.

Mr. J

J.D.,

You spent a long time running from who you are.  The last time you were comfortable in your own skin was in grade school.  

At an early age, you learned that it was not okay to be unique.  Boys were men, and men were soulless drifters who suppressed their emotions. Men played sports. Men fucked girls. Men lied and cheated to get to the top. Men were masculine. Men didn't sing or dance. Men didn't smile or laugh. Men conformed. From birth you were conditioned to learn, provide, breed, then die.

Friends drifted in and out of your life, because you were careful to hide your true self. You learned to adapt, deny, and be cruel as part of a lifelong defense mechanism. How can anyone point fingers at you, if you're the finger pointer? What bad things could people say, if you choose to hide in the shadows and keep relationships at a distance?

You kept waiting for that perfect sitcom life you grew so attached to in Film and TV, but it never came. You refused to accept that it was all fiction and that life was happening in real time. 

Real life has no rewinds. Zack Morris time outs do no exist.  Love, sex, and relationships are not a continuous laugh track.  Happy endings were created as a copying mechanism.

It is up to you to discover who you really are.  Like life, this process is going to be difficult, complicated, disappointing, exhilarating but necessary.  Walls will have to come down.  That hard exterior will need to be shed until you find that light you buried deep within. It may take a life time. It may never happen at all. 

All that matters is that you put the effort in to better yourself, and came out the other end an accomplished person.

   

Wake Up!

My writing has lied dormant.

Instead I remain laser focused on my victimization.

I was powerful once.

Full of hope and positivity.

The last few years I have been sinking slowly,
weighted by gaslighting, insecurity, and hopelessness.

To fight is to live,
to submit is a fate worse than death.

Jump,
run,
scream,
or shout.

It's time to break the cycle,
and remember who you really are.