County Road, Take Me Home

I tripped over some daisy's,
while looking for the poppy field.

My expectations have always gotten the best of me,
but these past few months have created a solar flare.

An internal dialogue,
an external diatribe. 

Wiggling which way,
I stop to ask the milkman for directions.

He glares at me,
wood tip cigar dangling from his lip,
as he sticks out his hitch hiking thumb,
towards the way I already traveled.

There is no yellow brick road for this queen.

In it's place is a path of broken glass.

I'm just glad I wore my shoes today.

Shuffling through the chaos,
I manage to reach the garden.

I can feel those sinister trees,
writhing in anger,
gripping their apples,
ready for battle.

I close my eyes,
and walk in any direction my body takes me.

I let go of any fear,
doubt,
or anxiety,
and trust that I will end up,
exactly where I belong.

As I take my last step,
I exhale calmly,
and open my eyes.

I have arrived.

The silver city.

Not much paint,
nor glitter,
is left on the old town.

It's charm long lost,
but I am home.

Free from the dangers of myself.

Isolated by choice.

Girl Your Loins

I have always struggled with insecurity.

It seems that sins from the past,
haunt my inner child,
preventing me from being fully formed.

My true self,
hides in the shadow,
of what others expect of me.

What is masculinity,
if not strength,
power,
and suppressed emotions?

I've only experienced a fully realized break down,
a hand full of times.

Once as a child...

I remember being pushed to the brink of insanity by my father.

I hid in the physical closet,
comforted by the dark,
and walls around me.

I screamed,
cried,
pulled at my hair,
while part of me died.

That innocence all of us hold on to was released.

During my teen years...

A close friend had completely stopped talking to me.

I didn't know how to process,
the massive weight,
strapped to my chest and heart. 

I had my next break down in my first car.

A song came on the radio,
as I talked to a close friend.

Something came over me,
and I completely lost it.

My voice cracked,
and my body trembled,
as I lost part of my heart and soul.

Most recently...

Never in my life,
have I experienced a relationship,
so raw,
so cutting,
so deep,
as the one I have now.

While most relationships become stagnant,
mine has always spun on its head.

From the very beginning,
it was christened,
by the shots of a starting pistol. 

We both have been sprinting,
without one thought,
to why we're running.

All of the misunderstandings,
lack of communication,
suppressed feelings,
false accusations,
insecurities,
and worst of all,
lies,
have torn us apart.

I think of those nights,
cold,
broken,
and alone.

Holding my face,
nails leaving impressions in my skin,
as I rock back and forth,
bruising my knees.

I NEVER want to go to that place again.

My sensitivity,
is my greatest ally,
and my biggest foe.

To balance the two,
feels next to impossible.

What I do know,
is that I'm tired of living my life,
for other people. 

I'm ready to start living in the light.

To embrace my darkness.

Let go of the past,
give a middle finger to the future,
and count your blessings each day.

There is only one life.

Don't let it pass you by.