I'm Not A Boy

Most nights were always the same:

I heat up a Swanson microwavable chicken dinner in my closet of a studio apartment and watch Bridget Jones or Pretty in Pink in a pair of oversized sweat pants and a torn up sweatshirt.

I fiddle with the built in radiator in the wall, but the heat seeps out minimally.

I throw an afghan my grandma made me around my shoulders and push play.

Tonight was an exception.

I had faced my fears of stepping out of my comfort zone again and decided to meet up with one my co-workers at this grungy bar located in the corner of town for one of their mutual friends birthday parties.

I sit in my car trying to talk myself out of it, but finally decide to exit.

I pull a piece of paper out of my pocket to verify the address, but can't seem to find the bars entrance, just the faded neon sign reading "King and I."

Two guys limp toward me, shouting.

I hesitate and duck down a flight of stone steps.

In front of me is a door with tinted glass.

The men proceed to follow, so I duck inside.

It's the bar I was looking for.

Inside there's a red tint and loud New Wave playing.

It's rather sophisticated for being in such a shitty part of town.

The walls are decorated in cheap gold wall paper that's faded and peeling.

I step further into the bar, half expecting to see the men enter.

Behind me a hand takes hold of my left shoulder.

It's Brinn, my co-worker.

I anxiously spill some of her martini.

She tells me to "relax" and leads me to two large tables filled with hipsters.

She sits me next to a Siouxsie Sioux rip off and a guy with blonde hair and a mean gleam.

My chair gets caught on some guys jacket from the table next to ours.

He stares at me which produces a spout of apologies.

Siouxsie manages to fake a smile as Brinn introduces me, but blondie continues to look away.

A waiter asks our table if we want anything else.

Blondie slides a low ball glass toward him and holds two fingers up, gesturing to the glass.

Siouxsie lights up a cigarette and blows it in my direction.

I try and order, but the bartender is already gone.

Brinn has disappeared.

I roll the bottom button to my jacket between my fingers waiting for Siouxsie or blondie to say something to me, but they continue shouting over the music.

I consider leaving now, before I get in too deep.

The antique Asian décor catches my attention.

I follow it all around the bar and catch a glimpse of the other table, laughing, drinking and passing cigarettes back and forth.

I suddenly feel like I'm back home banished to the kids table during a holiday, while the grown ups drink and engage in adult conversations.

When I turn my attention back to my table, I notice Siouxsie and blondie staring at me.

"Well?" blondie snarks.

"I'm sorry?" I mutter.

"How do you know Drea?" He sputters.

"Who?"

A waitress interrupts us sliding blondies two drinks toward him. She drops a beer down in front of me and scurries away before I can interject.

Brinn reappears and pounces on my lap.

"Drink up!" She slurs as she laps up the rest of her drink.

"Oh, I'm driving" I start to say but instantly shut up the longer blondie glares at me.

"So how do you two know each other?" blondie asks her.

"Bleck, I promised Drea I wouldn't bitch about work tonight."

Blondie guzzles his drink.

"Why won't that asshole play my song?!"Siouxsie barks.

"You should probably fuck him" blondie sneers.

Brinn jumps to her feet. "I got this, what do you want? Wait, scratch that. I got it!" She slinks toward the DJ booth and mildly flirts with the lumberjack wearing headphones. She points in our direction. They both look directly at me before she kisses him and returns.

"What did you request?" I ask her.

"Like we care" Blondie replies polishing off his drink.

"Maybe you should have another drink!" Brinn shouts at him.

"Great idea" he says downing his second. He motions to Siouxsie.

They leave the table.

Brinn takes his seat.

"What's wrong with them?" I ask her.

"I think they're on valium" she tells me before getting in my face.

"So?" she asks.

"What?"

"Do you like him?" Brinn presses.

It all suddenly clicks.

"Is that why you invited me?" I ask her.

"Maybe. C'mon, he's cute" she expresses.

"He's okay looking" I start to spill.

"but would you fuck him?" she asks.

"Jesus, I don't know. Probably not" I tell her.

"Why not?" she asks.

"Well, for starters, he's a little pretentious" I tell her.

"but you've barely said one word" she says.

I spot blondie and Siouxsie exiting the bathroom together.

"Shhh, he's coming back" I say to her gesturing in their direction. Brinn looks at them and then at me erupting into laughter.

I wait for her to stop, but she nearly falls to the ground. She takes a sip from my beer and kisses me on the cheek.

"I wasn't setting you up with Tyler" Brinn explains. Her laughter dissipates as they return to the table.

"What's so fucking funny?" blondie asks.

"My boy Bobby thought I was trying to set you two up" she tells him.

I feel the blood rushing out of my face and avoid eye contact as he glares at me.

"And why is that so god damn funny?" he barks.

"Because I brought him here for Beaux" she tells him.

Boy by Book of Love plays.

"Yes!" Brinn yells as she pulls me to my feet. "Let's dance."

"I don't know this song" I tell her.

"Listen and learn baby, if you're gonna be gay, then you better play the part. Dance with me!" She screams leading me to an open area. 

Others from the next table over cheer us on as she starts to shimmy and shake.

I feel the eyes of the bar on my back as she shakes my arms. "C'mon Bobby! Dream as if you'll live forever."

A feeling of deja vu washes over me as Brinn shimmies and kicks her feet. 

I close my eyes.

I see that inexperienced boy, too scared to make the leap.

A girl with long dark hair wearing a pink light up happy birthday headband joins us. A cigarette dangles from her lips as she tries dancing with a drink in hand.

Brinn hugs her and whispers in her ear. 

They turn to me.

"Bobby, this is Drea, the birthday girl" Brinn yells.

"As if you couldn't tell" Drea mumbles, cigarette still in tact.

I hold out a hand for her to shake.

They both laugh at me.

 Drea takes hold and spins me.

"Let's not waste this song" she says handing Brinn her drink.

"Beaux!" Drea screams across the bar.

The guy who's coat I mangled, turns from the table. She wiggles her finger for him to come.

He follows her command, as she spins me once more.

"You look like you could use a drink" he says sarcastically to her.

"This is Bobby" she says pushing us together "now dance!"

I pull away.

"It's okay" I tell him.

He leans in so I can hear him better "Then you don't know Drea."

He takes my hand and dances along to the music.

I look back at Brinn wearing a shit eating grin and mouth to her "you owe me."

She shakes her head and mouths "no, you owe me."

As the song plays on more and more people join us.

The fear dissipates as we blend into the large crowd.

I'm no longer on the outside looking in.

I'm living in this moment.