Are You There god?

I feel the pain I've longed for,
yet fear the repercussions of my destruction.

I wanted to go out on my own terms,
but am reminded I'm a pawn in someone's else's cruel game.

I hope I meet this vengeful god.

The one that everyone's convinced has a plan for everything.

The one that kills children,
rapes women,
dooms the elderly,
abandons his people.

I hope to avoid a life of privilege.

Do good,
be righteous,
so I'm allowed in the VIP room to see if he's as smug as I think he his.

I can't be the only one convinced there's an empty throne.